While sitting in traffic tonight, I began to compose a post in my head all about how much I hate sitting in traffic, and by extension, how much I hate people who can’t drive. Which is, you know, pretty much everyone. The longer I sat there, though (and goddamn, I sat there a while), the more I realized that such a post is not only truly banal, even by Funky Carter standards, it’s also just another step on the road to old-man-hood, and believe me when I say this nerds: I’m not ready yet.

As I pondered the reality of driving in Massachusetts, though, I began to think back to my driver’s ed days. I sometimes feel like I’ve retained those valuable lessons better than a lot of people. Maybe it’s just that I had a good teacher (maybe it’s just that I’m awesome). Or maybe — just maybe — it was all the awesome educational films we watched (and yes, most of them were on film).

I don’t claim to be an expert, but I’m guessing high school kids today watch slickly produced DVDs featuring CGI car wrecks and music by the Jonas Brothers. When I was in high school, way back in the early nineties, we had strange, faded films from the fifties, sixties and the seventies (those were the really fancy ones). Many of them featured creepy narration and poor production quality, both of which lent them a seedy — sometimes downright scary — vibe.

My fondest memory is of a haunting relic from the fifties which espoused the benefits of utilizing something called “The Smith System”. So legendary is this film that all I have to do is utter the words, and Ted will solemnly nod, and we will share a quiet moment of reverie. While many of the details have become foggy over the years (and others outright made up or exaggerated), the important lesson that sticks with me today was the benefit of a “friendly toot”. See a kid on a bike? Tap your horn and give him a friendly toot, so he knows you’re there. Making a turn into traffic? A friendly toot will help to announce your presence. Backing out of a parking spot? Give a friendly toot to alert the other drivers. Also, if I remember correctly, “Mr. Smith” smoked a pipe the entire time.

Ted and I have searched high and low for this forgotten masterpiece over the last fifteen years (why it is not available in a fancy Criterion Collection DVD is a mystery; rights issues, perhaps?), and you would think that with the internet being the all-knowing-all-seeing wonder that it is, the damn thing would be available on demand, day or night. Alas, all that we have to show for our efforts are second hand references and hearsay. Maybe it doesn’t exist. Maybe we dreamed it. But in my heart, I know that somewhere, Mr. Smith is still imploring bored teens to “always leave yourself an out”.

On the plus side, however, the internet is a treasure trove of other driver’s ed related infotainment (not to mention loads of other great vintage educational films), and I’m certainly not one to scoff at choice works like Joy Ride: An Auto Theft.

Everything about that movie, from the haircuts to the pinball machine to the fifty cent car wash sign, makes me happy. The only thing it’s missing, really, is a cameo from Erik Estrada or Mark Hamill. I think I’m going to get myself an old film projector (or just borrow Ted’s), some classic instructional films, and start my own driver’s ed school. Or maybe I’ll just pop some popcorn and watch them myself. Likely the latter.