Got Invited to the Christmas Party by Mistake. Who Knew?


Merry muthafuckin’ Christmas, you jive turkeys! Well, maybe not turkeys; Thanksgiving is already in the rearview. Plus, it’s not actually Christmas yet.

You know what? Whatever. Pedant.

Starting over: Hello to all the Whos down in Whoville! Funky Carter is back for 31 days of glögg, gingerbread, Christmas raps, and John McClane.

You seem like you have questions. Let me lay some answers on you:

You’re posting every day in December? Do you really have the stamina for that? Last year, you only did “12 Days of Christmas” — and you barely made it through that.

Jesus, one question at a time. Answers: yes and yes. To your third point: go fuck yourself.

Hey, don’t get technical with me. We’re all just concerned with your well being.

Well, don’t be. I’m fine. And besides, if you checked out my October post-a-thon, you probably noticed that I’m not writing at great length these days.

What are you providing, then? What do I, the reader, get in exchange for my time?

My respect, first and foremost. You are a Christmas Miracle.

But you’ll also get delightfully profane turns of phrase, thoughtfully curated holiday videos, and of course, A Very Ben Christmas, now in its improbable 13th year. Tradition matters.

Plus, you’ll enjoy selections from my epic holiday playlist. And on that note, there’s only one way to kick off the Christmas season properly, and that’s with the Greatest Christmas Song of all. Please allow Slade to tell you how it’s done, and I’ll see you Scrooges tomorrow!

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