Category Archives: Sexiness

What Women Want

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Hey guys, it’s Valentine’s Week, and if you haven’t figured out what you’re getting the lady in your life yet, don’t panic: I’ve got you covered. Or rather, the Vermont Teddy Bear Company’s got you covered.

If there’s one thing women really dig, it’s teddy bears. I know, you were thinking flowers, but as this commercial shrewdly points out, flowers die, leaving your woman sour-faced and bitchy. And chocolates are a trap! Women may like them at first, but then they’re all, “Do I look fat?”, and you don’t want to go there.

DON’T GO THERE!

Get her a six foot tall teddy bear instead, and get the big reaction, and the “big reward”:

Yes, all of that just happened. Let’s review. According to Vermont Teddy Bear:

  • Women can’t resist teddy bears
  • Women are like children
  • Women are hair-trigger emotional
  • Women will get angry if you buy them the wrong gift
  • Women will put out if you get them the right gift

In summary: play your cards right (buy a gigantic teddy bear), and you will get lucky.

And don’t forget! You also have the option to “dominate” this Valentine’s Day with the 50 Shades Bear.*

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I’m going to go shower now.

* — According to the website, the 50 Shades Bear is “safe for all ages.”

My Face Is Itchy

Guys, I’m going for it: I am totally growing a beard. I haven’t shaved in two weeks. There are thousands of brown (and grey; sigh) hairs sticking out of my face like I’m a goddamned porcupine. Or, if you’d prefer a different analogy, it looks like I ran into a cactus with my face. I can keep going.

No, no actually I can’t. Those were all the analogies I had.

Look, I know what you’re thinking: BFD, Aaron. I’ve had a beard since I was fourteen. People sprout hairs from their chins every day: it’s called not shaving. This is a big deal for me, though, nerds! I’ve been staunchly anti-facial hair my entire adult life. When I was perusing the Funky Carter archives the other day, I found a post in which I listed things that I hate, and facial hair was prominently featured. And here I am, almost seven years later, sitting around like a skinny caveman and making hair come out of my face.

2007 Aaron, you have so much to learn! In the years to come, you’ll reject (real) redheads, discover that cheese is pretty good (sometimes), learn not to fear crabs so reflexively (they’re still gross), and then one day you’ll wake up and realize that, hey, you look pretty good with a beard.

It gets even weirder from there, dude: It’s entirely possible that you’ve opened the door to a tattoo one of these days. Opened the door a mere crack, mind you, but it’s been opened nevertheless. But what to get permanently inked tastefully-but-discretely inside your wrist? Chewbacca? Columbo? Maybe you haven’t changed that much after all.

Wait, what about this, though?

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Yep. Nailed it.

NB – I understand you want to see a picture. Let me give it like, two more days, and then I’ll unleash my face on an unsuspecting internet.

G Is for Gross

Society: what the shit?

When I wrote this post last week, I wanted to find a Cookie Monster image to go along with it — preferably one Halloween themed — so I did a Google image search for “Cookie Monster Halloween”. This is what the internet had to offer in response:

slutoweenmuppetsLook, I get it. For whatever reason, the trend in women’s Halloween costumes these days is towards “sexy”. Slutoween is the new normal, and the gross objectification of women knows no age limits. I’ll save my rant on the subject, because there are already countless blog posts on the subject, many of them likely composed by much better writers. Besides, I don’t want to sound like a salacious scold. Wear what you want; whatever. I like sexy as much as the next guy.

But Slutty Cookie Monster? Sexy, sassy Elmo? Here are some basic Funky Carter Rules about what is NOT sexy:

1. Muppets

2. Beloved Children’s Characters

3. Infantilizing Women

So congratulations, costume makers! These designs are spectacularly unsexy. They fail on every level. They are like The Room of Halloween costumes; a thing of perfect awfulness.

N.B. – For the sake of comparison, here’s what the men’s Sesame Street costumes look like:

notsluttymuppetExactly.

Hirsute in the Face

fullreynoldsSo I mentioned yesterday that I’ve been growing facial hair. It’s a thing I do now. While this may sound unremarkable to those of you unversed in the confusing (and often exhausting) Ways That I Am, let me assure you: this is a big step for me.

To clarify a couple of points: I’m not growing a mustache. This is not my misguided attempt to try and fit in with the Williamsburg hipsters who are fifteen years younger than me (and besides, Williamsburg is such a pain in the ass to get to, although apparently it’s where all the good dancing is). I’ve expounded on my mustache fascination at great length before, so there’s no need to rehash. Also, to be clear, I have not yet grown what would be considered a proper “beard”. But here’s what matters, nerds: I’ve been getting all hairy in my face, and I like it.

I’ve always hated facial hair. On my own face, anyway. It’s always felt weird, itchy, and unkempt. I like to “keep it clean” and not cover up my handsome cheekbones and one cute dimple. Consequently, until this past month, I’d never gone more than four days without shaving. A friend once bet me that I couldn’t go a week without shaving, and guess what? He won that bet; I freaked out and shaved pretty quickly.

Now, at the risk of sounding defensive, the issue is not that I can’t grow a beard. Quite the opposite! My face hairs are fierce and manly, and they grow in fast. This has always been my curse. A few weeks ago, however, it turned into a lucrative blessing, when I drunkenly agreed to a beard growing contest. They whys and hows of what prompted this are lost (because of the drinking), but before I knew it, I was hirsute, handsome, and desperate to win $40. It turns out this was the motivation I’d needed all along, because I managed to keep my face stubble for six whole days, and in the end, I won the $40 like a goddamn champion. Not only did my beard win in volume and aesthetics, it turns out it “sparkles”, which was the deciding factor. Mind you, the sparkle comes from all the grey hairs, but who cares? Basically, my facial hair is magical.

Anyway, this bet was the turning point for me. I’m getting lazier and lazier about shaving now, and why not? I look sexy when I’m beardy. Or that’s my story anyway. This past week I went eight days without shaving and didn’t even realize it (or at the very least, didn’t fixate on it). I’m saving money on razor blades, changing my outlook on the world, and providing myself with free blog topics. There’s really no downside here.

NB: Next time I’ll take pictures. Which at this rate should be, oh, sometime this weekend.