Guys, this is difficult: we’re discussing the concept of p-zombies (or “philosophical zombies”) in my Philosophy class this week. Which is all well and good, but every time I see “p-zombie”, I think of P’Zone, the hilarious Pizza Hut “food” which is a source of never ending punchlines for me and my friend Ted. It’s essentially a calzone — which are pointless to begin with — but made extra stupid by the addition of a “p'”. Like you’re in the “pizza zone” or something. Which actually sounds awesome, now that I think about it. I want to be in the pizza zone — but not if it means consuming a P’Zone.
Also, I should probably be doing my homework right now, but whatever.
NB – I’m writing a movie called “Pizza Zombie.” Too late, I called it.
Hey, lazy asses: I know Brooklyn is really “far.” I understand that you need more reasons to come visit me beyond amazing food, fun bars, great music and dance venues, cheap comedy shows, beautiful sights, close proximity to the Wonders of Manhattan, Patrick Stewart, and shuffleboard. I get it; you’re not impressed.
Well, I’m here to tell you I’ve finally found a reason you can’t argue with. The Reason You Will Come Visit Me in Brooklyn (and likely want to move here too). And at the risk of sounding like Agent Cooper, that reason is pie.
Let me clarify: THE BEST PIE YOU HAVE EVER HAD. EVER.
I’m sorry for yelling, but this pie is that good. And it’s in my goddamn neighborhood! Well, it’s in Gowanus, but whatever. It’s like, a fifteen minute walk. Five minutes on the R train. Not the point! The point, is Four & Twenty Blackbirds has pie that you will never forget. Ever. I tried the Black Bottom Oat — essentially an oatmeal pie with a layer of chocolate ganache on the bottom — and my friend got Salted Caramel Apple; I can’t for the life of me decide which one was better. I honestly just want to go in and order one slice of every pie on the menu. Which would be an expensive proposition, but guys, when the pie is this good, $5.25 for a slice is shockingly affordable. I felt like I was ripping them off. $38 for a whole pie? A steal. And I’m not even kidding.
I’ll expect you shortly.
Here’s a random thing I was thinking about as I was walking home earlier with my dinner of pepperoni slices and garlic knots: I haven’t eaten at a Chipotle in over four months.
This may sound utterly unremarkable to you, the “normal” reader of this blog, but for me, this is quite a development. I think I was probably in Chipotle at least twice a week when I lived in Shrewsbury, mostly because my kitchen was too small for proper cooking, but also because there was one conveniently located between my office and my apartment. There was also one conveniently located five minutes in the other direction from my apartment, so really, I never had a chance.
On the one hand, I suppose this is a positive development. Even though I don’t consider Chipotle to be aggressively unhealthy it’s still probably not great to eat a burrito every goddamn day (even if I did smugly order mine without cheese and sour cream). What’s more, I now have a million tasty, interesting, and inexpensive options all withing walking distance of my apartment, so not only am I getting better food, I’m getting a better variety of it. Plus, there’s a place on 4th Avenue that makes the greatest tacos I’ve ever had, and when you’ve got that on offer, who needs a stupid fast food (I’m sorry, “fast casual”) burrito?
On the other hand, I would kill for a fucking chicken burrito right now. Shape up, Park Slope! Don’t act like you’re above it, because there’s a McDonald’s on 9th Street and like, five Subways in the area (I may be exaggerating). Don’t make me move to Cobble Hill!*
Then again, if I did, I could hang out at Boat every day. Hmm.
* – Why the hell would anyone review a Chipotle on Yelp?
You know what? It’s been a long time since I ate some ridiculous candy and reported my findings to you nerds. If I’m being perfectly honest, I once again picked up a bag of Gingerbread Twix in Target yesterday and seriously considered buying them for a good five minutes (I mean, they’re Twix; how bad could they be?) but mercifully, common sense won out, and I put them back.
Luckily, I found something even better. Much to my delight, I discovered that Target was selling Peppermint Crunch Junior Mints again this year, so I picked up a couple boxes and somehow managed to not eat them both on the subway home. Mostly just because I couldn’t deal with the scornful looks I knew I would get from my fellow straphangers. Whatever, Brooklyn; I’m a chocolate piggy.
Anyway, I’m sure you’re wondering just what, exactly, the difference is between these holiday candies and regular Junior Mints. It’s nothing fancy; they’re basically just regular JMs with tiny bits of peppermint candy in the chocolate. Sounds minor, but something about the added crunch (and the extra peppermint flavor) elevates these above the usual Junior Mints. Plus, you just feel more Christmas-y when you eat them.
Suffice it to say, these earn the coveted Funky Carter Recommends label that all snacks strive for (but so few ever achieve). They’re no Biscoff pancakes, but they’re also a lot easier to smuggle into a movie theater.
I can’t remember if I’ve blogged about this already (what, you expect me to look it up?), but I miss proper grocery stores; it’s one of the downsides to being a Brooklyn Aaron. When I lived in MA, all I did was complain about the ubiquitous Stop & Shops and Shaws, but now I would kill for a large, clean, brightly lit supermarket that didn’t charge an arm and a leg for a Newman’s Own frozen pizza (the uncured pepperoni is delicious, guys).
My deepest scorn was always reserved for Market Basket, a New England supermarket chain known for its low prices, sawdust covered floors (because of the vomit), and perpetually foul odor (a friend used to say it smelled like the inside of the lobster tank). I always considered myself too cool for The Basket, and this probably would have continued to be the case had I not discovered that they sell the most mindblowingly delicious knockoff Girl Scout cookies. They make their own Thin Mints that are, quite honestly, better than the real thing; bigger, more chocolatey, and delightfully square-shaped. And they have ersatz Tagalongs that are inexplicably delicious too. The best part is, these store brand knockoffs are like, $1.39 (no sales tax if you buy them in NH!).
Suffice it to say, I stocked up on cookies while I was home for Thanksgiving, and I’d love to stay here and discuss it further, but these things aren’t going to eat themselves. Also, I don’t want to get chocolate all over my phone (a very real possibility).