Category Archives: The Blog

What? What? WHAT??

Yes, I can see your reaction now, nerd, and I imagine that the above clip captures it perfectly. The scrunched up, confused face, the increasingly unhinged repetition of the word “what?”. But let’s stop that analogy there because one, that makes me Catherine Tate; and two, you are no David Tennant.*

Hey, I’m back. A sentiment not worthy of an exclamation point, as you can see. But weird, right? Because a quick glimpse down the page tells me I haven’t written anything on this ye olde bloge since about June of last year. Which is like…well, it’s a lot of months. Don’t expect me to do the math, yo; that’s how I spend my days. The nights are for watching “Rhoda” with my wife and now, apparently, writing things on THE INTERNET.

Oh, yeah: wife. I got married in the time since we last interfaced. Which, by the way, was a clever combination of the words “internet” and “interface”, but somehow, it just looks like “interfaced”. I don’t think I did that right. Anyway, what? Oh, yeah: all kinds of stuff has happened: married, new place (and by “new” I mean we’ve been here for a year), got NH plates again. I still have the same terrible job, but again: why are we talking about that?

More important (stand back while I segue), why are we here? And not in a grand, meaning-of-life, sort of way, but like, why am I all of a sudden writing on Funky Carter again? Answer: Hell if I know. Maybe this is the start of a renewed enthusiasm. Alternately, maybe this will become the hilarious post I reference seventeen months from now when I get another brief burst of blog-based enthusiasm. (If I was trying harder, I could have gone for one more “b” word there, but you and I both know I’m not trying very hard right now. Baby steps.)

Okay, I’m half lying, because I half know why I’m (half-assedly) writing this. I’ve been feeling the weird, guilty nagging in the back of my mind that I should be writing something — anything. Every time I sit down and try to work on my comically long-gestating screenplay or some other terrible fiction, though, I inevitably get frustrated and lose interest because I’m lazy and a terrible writer (or something to that effect). The real issue, I think, is that by not exercising that part of my brain, it’s become fat, slovenly, and taken to wearing sweatpants and eating Doritios while watching BBC America at all hours. Which, come to think of it, pretty much sounds like me as a whole, minus the sweatpants, because COME ON. I have some self-respect, nerds.

I’m sorry: I’m lost. Hang on while I go back and reread that last paragraph…okay, right: why blog again? Because my brain needs exercise, and Funky Carter is a treadmill or a bike, or maybe one of those elliptical machines. I dunno; I’m not an “exerciser”. Also, if I’m being honest, I really and truly have missed the routine, the discipline that comes with actually keeping up this silly site. I’ve missed the fun of composing random run on sentences about pop cultural minutiae. I’ve missed Funky Carter.

So to the one person who still has Funky Carter in their Google Reader, hello. I hope I didn’t startle you.

NB: Yeah, I know the site looks like arse. I impulsively started upgrading Worpress and my old theme and whatnot, which caused a near system-wide meltdown, the end result being this temporary visual boredom. I’ll get around to tidying up. Hey, look, though: the old Funky Carter Halloween banner! Nostalgia!

* – Don’t get the analogy? Watch the video; it’s like, fourteen seconds long. Still don’t get it? Watch some “Doctor Who” already. You’re only fourty eight years behind.

Future Events Such As These Will Affect You in the Future

One of the things I like to do here at Funky Carter come year-end is to take a look back at some of the most righteous posts of the past twelve months. Partly just because it affords me a free, lazy post, but also because…well, actually, no, that’s the only reason. Honesty is our policy here at the FC. Also, lethargy.

Oh, but the problem! Isn’t there always one? Alas, Funky Carter was on unofficial-official hiatus for most of the year, which means there aren’t really many posts worth highlighting. In fact, 90% of them are from this month, so: idea scrapped. Which means I need a new one. Funk.

No worries, nerds. Rather than waste our time dwelling on the past, let’s look forward: into The Future. For that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. As I always say, if I had a time machine, I would take that puppy forward into Tronland and find work as a Blade Runner. Only total renaissance faire losers would travel back to “awesome knight times” or the Old West or something. So with that in mind, let’s look ahead to The Year That Will Be, aka 2010.

Just as I’m not much for New Year’s Eve dork-parties, I’m also not much for New Year’s Resolutions. I mean, great idea in theory, but in practice, it’s like a declaration of all the ways in which you will fail in the New Year. Besides, why wait until January to effect some change, Holmes? I’m for Any Time of Year Resolutions. That doesn’t mean I’m against making plans or predictions, however.

So what’s my plan for 2010, Funky Carter-wise? To keep on blogging, of course! 2009 was an aberration, not the status quo. I still have a crappy commute, and never feel like I have enough time to write, but those are captial E excuses. The rest and relaxation was nice, but being here on the FC where I belong is nicer, so I’ll make the time. I’m not quite sure how, but I’ll figure something out. Besides, I managed to successfully post every day this month (okay, almost; I should wait until tomorrow before declaring myself Blog Champion of the World), so it’s not like I’ve lost The Touch. Just the ability to craft quality posts, but I’ll work on that in 2010.

Also, in the prediction department, Celebrity Death Pool, 2010: William Shatner, Wilfred Brimley, Betty White. Hey, I don’t want to see the Shat go either, but Captain Kirk is old, man.

I Could Pretend Ben Wrote All the Crappy Posts

What to do with this silly blog? Here’s the problem I’m facing today…actually, problem is a strong word. Issue? Conundrum? I don’t know. Crossroads? Am I at a crossroads? Perhaps not; it conjures images of Ralph Macchio trying to outduel Satan with hot guitar solos. (I was just going to ask if anyone remembers that movie or if I made it up, but: there you go. What did we do before the internet? I think I read a lot, but I can’t be sure.)

The point: I was just randomly perusing some old Funky Carter posts (and I mean randomly; I don’t even remember what I was searching for) and I came to two realizations:

1. Given enough time away from it — to the point where I don’t even remember typing it — some of my writing is funny and awesome. Unfortunately, however:

2. Some of it is not. So very not. In fact, there is downright embarrassing stuff hiding in those archives, including some random post I just found where I expressed a desire for children(?!?). Either I’ve created a Tyler Durden-esque alter ego sometime in the last few years who’s been blogging while I was ostensibly sleeping, or I was completely out of my mind when I wrote that. Because I assure you: I do not remember typing that absurd nonsense. (Put another way: “I did nahhht!”)

So here’s the conundrum/query/issue/crisis-of-the-soul-thing: What to do about all those goofy posts I wrote when I was depressed and/or anything hyper-sincere and awkward? One option is to simply wipe the slate clean; completely clear out the Funky Carter archives up until, say, a year or so ago and just start anew. The problem with this of course is that there is a lot of good stuff in there that I’m proud of. Plus, pathetic though it may be, that is a body of work that I’ve built up over the last four years, and I hate to just toss it out with the proverbial bathwater simply because there’s a few bad apples. (Did you enjoy how I just skillfully mixed those metaphors? That’s talent, nerds.)

I suppose the alternative is to go through and just delete the garbage, but there are so many reasons not to. For one thing, who has the time for that? What am I going to do, sit here for hours scrolling through hundreds of posts and determining what is/isn’t quality? Worse yet, what if I find a post that’s like, ninety percent hilarious, and then ten percent embarrassing? Do I start editing individual posts? And oh the ethical considerations of the artist! If I go back and start changing posts, doesn’t that destroy the context in which they were written? Isn’t that like adding a CGI Jabba the Hutt and Hayden Christensen’s head to a movie that didn’t need any fixing to begin with? (Yes, that was directed at you, George Lucas. Because I know you read my blog.)

Sigh. Funky Carter why do you vex me? Aaron of Blogs Past, why did you write such occasionally lame stuff? Ah well, I suppose the right thing to do is just leave well enough alone. Because for better or worse, I wrote these things, and what’s more, these old posts are like a record of my life over the last few years; small snapshots of individual moments augmented with pictures of zombies and Jenny Lewis (who I’m not even into anymore. Oh, how times change!).

Plus, I’m really lazy, so there’s that.

If Only So I Can Trouble You with my Annual Hall & Oates Post

I did it! Yes, I successfully completed NaBloProllyNo, the Evil Twin of NaBloPoMo, a grueling test of endurance in which bloggers take up the challenge of not blogging for the entire month of November. And oh, what a challenge it was! So many times when I could have been forcing myself to write something stupid and I chose instead to go see awesome movies, play Beatles Rock Band, and eat lots of cake. All with Mara of course.

I didn’t announce that I was taking part in this little event for the simple reason that I didn’t want to set my self up for public shame (and the inevitable seppuku) if I failed. But hey, not only did I opposite-of-fail (can’t think of the word), I’m now all jazzed up on metaphorical gin and juice, and feeling dangerously close to declaring that December ’09 marks the return of the beloved Funky Carter December Post-a-Thon. Which, crap, I just did, didn’t I?

Ah, hell: I declare this blog to be in Christmas mode! Last year was the sad, nearly post-free exception, but long time readers (all four of you) remember being treated to daily posts every day in December of ’05, ’06, and of course, the infamous post-a-thon of 2007 in which I blogged every single day from the end of October straight up until early January. Not a lot going on that year, apparently.

Hey, I may give up after two days. I may stick it out and feel moderately proud. This may be the birth of a new era in Funky Carter awesomeness. I’m guessing somewhere in between the first two options lies the future, but we’ll see. In the meantime: Christmas in 24. Start eating that advent chocolate, nerds.

Funky Carter’s Malaise Speech

Well, November is almost finished. Just one more post after this one, and we can put this ill-advised undertaking to bed. Last year, I had a blast doing this, this year, not so much. Part of this is probably just due to the fact that my readership and participation are not what they once were (for a variety of reasons I am well aware of; not complaining); some of it is probably just that the quality of my blog has gone downhill, and I know it; and most of it is just that I’m not having any fun and this feels like a chore. And I’m not just talking about this whole NaBlo thing, I mean this whole blog in general.

The real eye-opening moment came the other night when I sat down to pound out my obligatory post for the day, wanting to get it done fast so I could relax with Mara and watch a movie. Flipping through the channels before I began, I noticed that A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving was on. Mara asked if I wanted to watch it, and I replied with something to the effect of “Yeah, but I want to just get this stupid thing done so I can spend time with you.”

Then Mara pointed out that not only did I not have to do it, there wasn’t really a point if I wasn’t enjoying it. I lamely offered that I’d come too far in NaBlowing not to see it through, but what she said really hit me: if I’m not enjoying this, what’s the point? The whole reason I even started blogging in the first place was simply to give myself a daily writing exercise; to force myself to write every day. But if what I’m writing is just crap (which it really, really is lately), and I’m not even trying, then again: what’s the point?

So who knows? After tomorrow, I’m definitely taking a blog break, and I’m not sure for how long. Yes, I blogged all thirty days in December for the last three years, and it will kinda suck to break my streak, but I definitely don’t have the stamina or the patience this time around. I doubt that I’m going to stop blogging permanently or anything like that, but again, who knows? Maybe I’ll find that I don’t even miss it. Maybe I’ll come back after a day and forget I even wrote this.

All I know is I have just one more of these stupid posts left to write! NaBlo ’08!!