We All Know That Christmas Is a Big Commercial Racket

I’m probably (definitely) dating myself here, but did anyone else get psyched about Christmas catalogs when they were a kid? It seems so strange and old timey now, but I still vividly remember how exciting it was when the Sears or JC Penny Christmas catalog would come in the mail, and I would proceed to spend hours perusing the toy section to see what was new and exciting, circling everything I wanted for Christmas. Mostly, I was concerned with the Star Wars stuff (natch), but the whole thing was a treasure trove of eight year old bliss, whether it was He-Man, Gobots, or an entire air hockey table for your basement (suffice it to say I never got the air hockey table).

I don’t really have a larger point to make here, I’m just being one of those “remember this stuff?” nostalgia assholes. Mostly, I just wanted to post this picture.

xmas catalog


Dudes, $8.99 for a Twin Pod Cloud Car? Mind you, I realize that’s like, $700 in 2015 money, but still. Seems like a bargain.

Most of ’81 Passed Along Those Lines

We’re already off to a bad start, nerds. I got an angry fax* from The Waitresses this morning informing me that I was “100% fucking wrong” yesterday when I declared “Merry Christmas Everybody” to be the Greatest Christmas Song Ever.

We here at Funky Carter sincerely apologize for the oversight. We were tired when we wrote that post, and possibly drunk. So please enjoy the actual Greatest Christmas Song Ever, with our humble apologies:

* – They’re from the 80s. Don’t think about it too hard.

Got Invited to the Christmas Party by Mistake. Who Knew?


Merry muthafuckin’ Christmas, you jive turkeys! Well, maybe not turkeys; Thanksgiving is already in the rearview. Plus, it’s not actually Christmas yet.

You know what? Whatever. Pedant.

Starting over: Hello to all the Whos down in Whoville! Funky Carter is back for 31 days of glögg, gingerbread, Christmas raps, and John McClane.

You seem like you have questions. Let me lay some answers on you:

You’re posting every day in December? Do you really have the stamina for that? Last year, you only did “12 Days of Christmas” — and you barely made it through that.

Jesus, one question at a time. Answers: yes and yes. To your third point: go fuck yourself.

Hey, don’t get technical with me. We’re all just concerned with your well being.

Well, don’t be. I’m fine. And besides, if you checked out my October post-a-thon, you probably noticed that I’m not writing at great length these days.

What are you providing, then? What do I, the reader, get in exchange for my time?

My respect, first and foremost. You are a Christmas Miracle.

But you’ll also get delightfully profane turns of phrase, thoughtfully curated holiday videos, and of course, A Very Ben Christmas, now in its improbable 13th year. Tradition matters.

Plus, you’ll enjoy selections from my epic holiday playlist. And on that note, there’s only one way to kick off the Christmas season properly, and that’s with the Greatest Christmas Song of all. Please allow Slade to tell you how it’s done, and I’ll see you Scrooges tomorrow!

Spooky Finish Line!!


We did it, nerds! Or I did it, anyway. Another Shocktoberfest in the books. I can’t say these are the 31 best posts I’ve ever written, but whatever. Oh, and I totally failed on my attempt to watch all the Halloween sequels (by which I mean I watched one of them), but there’s always next year, right?

Anyway, I’d love to stay and chat about my success (or relative failure), but I’ve got an all night horror movie marathon to attend at my favorite movie theater. The good news is, though, I plan to keep posting for the rest of the year. I know! Mind you, I’m not talking about posting every single day, but dudes, there’s a new Bond movie AND a new Star Wars movie we’ll need to discuss. Hell, I’ll probably post every day in December, but we’ll get there. Either way, I’ll talk to you dudes this week. Happy Halloween! Stay scared!