Allow It

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Nerds, did you know that we are just 51 days away from The Force Awakens? Give or take a day, math is not my strong suit. Said the accounting major.

Dudes, I ask because, if you haven’t already seen it, you need to check out Attack the Block. It’s a tragically underseen British sleeper from 2011 that features action, comedy, horror, aliens, council estates, Nick Frost, and John Boyega, who is about to become a mega star thanks to his upcoming role in a small drama involving lightsabers. Also because of his readily apparent talent and charisma.

See it ASAP, nerds. Not only is it a great choice for a not-to-scary Halloween movie, it will make you that much more excited for The Force Awakens knowing that we are not in store for another Hayden Christensen situation. (Which, no offense to Hayden Christensen, who was great in Shattered Glass, and was forced to deliver dialogue like, “I don’t like sand.” But still.)

Don’t Push Me, ‘Cause I’m Close to the Edge

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So, still haven’t gotten around to Halloween III yet. I know, time is running out. I only have like… *counts on fingers* … Shit. I have five days left to watch six movies. Which sounds doable, but let’s be honest, I don’t have time to watch movies every night this week. I’ve got homework, I’ve got a dog training class on Tuesday, there’s…

Okay, I don’t really have that much to do this week (outside of work), but we’ll see. It wouldn’t be the first time I promised something I couldn’t deliver. At least I’m still keeping to my daily posting schedule (even if some of these are going up late). Truth is, guys, life in NYC is just non-stop. If I’m not sitting here waiting for a Seamless delivery, I’m probably ordering from Instacart, or scheduling a laundry pickup. It’s hard to find the time to have someone wash, dry, and fold your laundry and then bring it back to you. And then on top of everything else, they have Pumking on tap at Sea Witch right now, so, you know, there’s a lot going on. You guys have no idea how hard we have it.

A Nightmare on My Street

Okay, yes, I have not done so hot on my plans to watch and write about horror movies this month. I still want to give you some more Halloween horror movie themed posts before time runs out on Shocktoberfest 2015, so why don’t I pick a series that I’ve seen every installment of, and try to rank them?

Well, since I can’t hear your response, let’s just assume it was affirmative and move on to Funky Carter’s Definitive Ranking of All Seven Proper* Nightmare on Elm Street Movies. Worst to first:

7. Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare: Okay, in all honesty, I don’t remember this one very well at all, outside of the fact that it was boring as fuck. Oh, and Roseanne and Tom Arnold are in it.

6. A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child: Wait, what? I don’t remember this one either. Let me Wikipedia this shit…oh, okay, sure, I remember now. It sucks.

5. A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge: We’ve discussed this before.

4. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master: Features the Fat Boys classic “Are You Ready for Freddy?”

3. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors: Is a movie that I’ve seen.

2. A Nightmare on Elm Street: Is actually a fucking great, terrifying classic. But — surprise! — it’s not my favorite. My personal favorite is…

1. Wes Craven’s New Nightmare: A brilliantly meta horror movie deconstruction that preceded Scream by two years (and actually came out the same weekend as Pulp Fiction, which must be why the two movies are linked in my head). Do see it, if you haven’t already

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m supposed to be watching some other stupid sequels.

* – No, Freddy vs. Jason does not count.